We like Eboue boue, we like EBOUE!!!!

Hello folks or Bom Dia as it is out here and apologies for the 2 week delay in blogging, it’s been absolutely mental! We are now fully settled in to our ‘basic’ lifestyles, to put it politely, and have been extremely busy avoiding; cars aiming to hit us, angry Libyans (more on that later), very drunk football fans, African maniacs at the discotheque and the wrath of the gaffer Miguel. Oh yes and we have also been busy on the coaching/ IT teaching/ refereeing/ gardening front, which are probably the more important reasons we are out here (John we hope you’re reading this bit!) Ok so onto the hardcore stuff. Brace yourself, take a breath and here we go (we warn you now, a lot of it is actually quite boring!)

Bom DiAAAAAAAAA!!!!

After an intense meeting at moody Nando’s with Hardlife (David if you remember) and Pingi (Pingu for comedic effect), we thrashed out a splendid programme of events which would certainly keep us on our toes. This is also a crucial coaching point for many technical drills, whether beginner or intermediate we think you’ll agree? Anyhow we left the boardroom so to speak after about an hour and went home to the club for a pleasant dinner of rice and beans cooked by Mama. Mama is amazing! She cooks, cleans kits, tidies the club and generally does very Mama like things. However we do a have a bombshell to drop, sadly she is no longer with us. She’s not dead! She has just been withdrawn from her food services due to conflicts of interest between some of the players and the quality of her Sadza (a maize based product which actually tastes of nothing).  So that was quite a shock to us because for 4 weeks we relied on her to keep us alive with rice, rice, beans, Sadza, rice, rice, Sadza and spaghetti. Hang on we forgot some rice on that list! Anyhow we battle on with bread which costs 4 pence a loaf, bananas, tangerines and probably the weirdest of the lot- sugar cane. They all take the ‘Michael’ out of Meggo for the way he chews it with his front teeth actually struggling to get to the sweet stuff. The technique is very particular as the back teeth have all the power to munch through the cane and Pingi is the ultimate expert of such fine dining. He is also addicted to bananas, he seriously loves them as well as Sadzaaaaaaa.

Will in gardening action at the club

In terms of our sessions we have really got into the swing of things out here. We’re slowly getting the lingo and our whistle technique is really coming on a treat. It was different coming here and whistles being the coaches main method of communication as we are used to just shouting to control English kids. We have now started training the GDM (Grupo Desportivo de Manica) girls team in the early morning session and take it in turns alternating with GDM under 17 sessions. However it is the girls who are the more intimidating as they take a fancy to our English accents, especially when we shout “swap over” and all of them roll with laughter, copying us over and over and over again! A particular highlight was hosting the Champions League final in a skills corridor competition where the aim was for the girls to dribble successfully through a barrage of passers either side of a small dribbling lane without being hit. The last one to be hit would be the winner and the match was absolutely fantastic with the celebrations going long into the night for the winner, who was by some coincidence also Barcelona. When we say celebrations what we really mean is an African tango in the middle of the pitch.

Congresso kids in action

The girls then won their first match EVER (apparently), 3-1 after a lengthy team talk (an obsession out here) from us, and their manager Ruben hailed us as Arsene Wenger (Meggo) and Jose Morinhou (Willy). So for a week we were on top of the world thinking we were the cream of Mozambique coaches. However the girls then lost 2-0 in their most recent match which brought us right back down to earth with a rather hefty bump! We hold our heads in shame!

The Professor and the 'special' one

In terms of the U17’s, we are pushing them hard in training with Hardlife’s help but so far lacking in turning the hard work into efficiency. We lost to Vumba U17’s (moody Spurs) in a thrilling encounter of the local rivals. It was quite a heated affair though (not because of the players’ tempers, just because it was really, really hot) and in a game with one chance for them and 84 for us, we lost the game 1-0. Meggo thought he was being clever with the 4-3-3 formation but the chances just couldn’t be put into the net. Pingi also stormed onto the pitch to snatch the referee’s whistle and take charge of the officiating because he felt the ref was too biased towards Vumba. He then went on to play an extra 10 minutes at the end in desperation of us getting a goal! The next week we finally scraped a victory against the GDM U16’s (whom we also train) and who are managed by Chibanga (a player from the first team who is extremely short and reminds us of CJ), just thought we’d throw that in there randomly. We won 2-0 and this classic win helped us regain faith in our coaching abilities.

The U17's huddle before their epic 2-0 win

Our younger kids sessions have also been stepped up a notch as we introduce them to Eboue dancing (we like Eboue Boue, we like Eboue Boue), bum relays, piggy backs, tasty games of traitor, bulldog, stuck in the mud and generally very silly games which probably make us look extremely stupid! Oh well, Meggo coaches in his swimming shorts/boxers and Will in his moody Ray Bans anyway so the humiliation can’t really get any worse. Another highlight was Meggo shouting “bum the ball, just bum it” during a relay race using the under 11’s posteriors. Luckily the CRB system is a bit more relaxed in Mozambique! Another treat was the invention of ‘Musical Eboue’ at Anda orphanage, whereby Meggo sings I like Eboue, boue over and over until he suddenly stops and the kids have to sit down as quickly as possible. Basically a moody musical bumps, just with Meggo looking stupid again, which fits in with the beard he now has through not shaving for a whole month. He says he’s living naturally and in the spirit of Africa, everyone else just thinks he’s a tramp!

Keep it going boys!

Our favourite part of the sessions though has to be the singing at the end of every one. Hardlife always starts with a game of thunder, rain and lightning whereby he rubs his hands together and claps every so often for thunder. Sounds strange but very funny! Then our favourite tune begins (no not what’s my name by Rihanna, which Balotelli can’t stop singing), but Batana, Batana, Batana, Batana Waranay. Hard to get the tune across through words but this chant/song would sound amazing at the Emirates and on the Ibiza clubbing scene. We feel the rhythm of the Batana under our skin and just jive to our hearts content. The translation of the song has something to do with the players bum cheeks working together as one, like a team (before you say it, we know we have an obsession with bums in this blog!) We have also introduced compulsory football celebrations whenever a player does something good. Therefore the majority of each session consists of kids just running to the corner of the dirt pitch doing Drogba aeroplanes, Anelka butterflies, Van Persie fist pumps and Crouch robots (Meggo is trying to get this one off the ground with limited success!) Hardlife also has a great catchphrase of ‘head up for vision’, which we just keep shouting at the kids when we want them to dribble with their heads up.

Batana Batana Waranay!



Another part of our programme out here is player development through a coaching course in which they can learn from for the future when we leave. Drew and Adam have already shown them a lot of drills but there are still many that we are pulling out of the wardrobe. Well not so much wardrobe, just a bag full of notes from London. The first week went down like a lead balloon with 4 players turning up and us basically delivering a session to over 30 kids. Absolute nightmare! The numbers are ridiculously tough to plan for and the pitches all seem to be on hills in very confined spaces wedged between small villages of shanty shacks. Even a school pitch we attend on Tuesdays is extremely tiny and we have 22 kids to coach on. However because we are such great coaches, we improvise with these extremely difficult circumstances and perform miracles which Jesus would be proud of.

We like Eboue boue dance

Another issue is that we only have about 8 footballs left because the moody Sondico’s Meggo bought from Sports Soccer have literally burst, fallen apart or disintegrated. Also a young chap called Panache (6 years old) broke our football pump whilst attempting to help us out and we swear he has stolen a ball or two over the last few weeks. He is quite cute though so we let him off. Another of our favourites is Simba who wears a Disney shirt without the Lion King on it and is always hanging around the first team pitch where we do some sessions (Campo Municipal). We swear he must live on that pitch and he’s a great little keeper for the U11’s. Anyway back to the point of the coaching course, this week was much better with 12 first team players attending and making notes on what we were showing them. Success we think you’ll find!! There is a slight issue with time keeping though, whereby the players turn up 30 minutes late for sessions for no apparent reason. Life in Mozambique is much laid back compared to London and we do struggle to just relax to fit in with their lifestyles!

Hello there young chap

Furthermore we also run an hourly IT lesson for players at the club from 6-7pm Monday to Friday. The attendance hasn’t been as great as we had wanted, but those who do come are definitely becoming masters of Word art and custom animation on PowerPoint!

The first team are also doing very well at the moment with 2 wins in a row in the league which leaves them top at the moment. They beat FC Shoprite (the biggest shop in Mozambique, right up there with Tesco and Walmart- well not quite) 1-0 at the Campo Municipal with all the action happening off the pitch for us. Obviously being too good for the first team (Championship equivalent to England), we watched from the sideline only to be distracted by a strange fella Balotelli nicknamed ‘Snoop Drunk’. This is due to the fact that he had the same silly pony tail and goaty type beard as Snoop Dogg but was extremely drunk to the extent that he walked bent at a 90 degree angle. He literally looked like he had no spine in his body for balance and randomly kept shouting stuff at us the Muzungo’s (white people), probably because we stood out in the crowd. He was with another chap who was also quite plastered on the Manica ale and ended up fighting him for no apparent reason. We don’t think they watched any of the match before the police (more army men with batons rather than guns) threw them out of the ground on 27 minutes. Short but very sweet entertainment! This weekend just gone GDM beat a team called Pipeline 3-0 with Flex (a striker who looks like El Haji Diouf) scoring twice and Mario (he doesn’t look like anyone really) scoring the third. So a jolly good result for our boys and left Miguel very happy, although you wouldn’t know it by the way he carries on. Bloody hell! First thing Tuesday morning when everyone’s back to training he goes on and on and on about the game. We swear he literally goes through every little event in detail with funny faces and movements to accompany. We can’t be sure though as we don’t really understand what he’s saying in Portuguese!



Relay races with Will, Hardlife and Chibanga



Oh another highlight, or perhaps more a low point was Miguel (the volatile gaffer) shouting at Meggo for talking while he was. “Adamo if you want to talk go awayyyyyyyyy,” to which Meggo replied, “sorry” in a rather sarcastic manner he then took one step backwards from the semi circle and just stayed there. A funny moment to look back on but very scary at the time! It’s also very important to talk about the Gallos games (GDM reserves) in which Will is still suspended and Meggo is still holding his own as the rock in the centre of the defence. We have played 2 games since we last bloggified and to be quite frank we can’t remember anything spectacular happening in the first game except a late strike from, as Will puts it, ‘fat boy’ which gave the mighty Gallos a 1-0 win, their first of the campaign. Our second game was a bit topsy turvy however with both defences at odds and evens on the beautiful turf (gravel really) that is Campo Municipal. The team were 1-0 down at half time and Balotelli was brought back from injury prematurely when ‘fat boy’ (not sure of his name to be honest) up front twisted his ankle. Pingi ripped into the boys at the break in disgust, although we’re unsure if he’s really the manager or just a fan. We then levelled to 1-1 with a dodgy Balotelli penalty and could have taken the lead when he went one on one with the keeper to trip over the ball and fall in great style. Again we question his self-administered catchphrase of ‘one chance, one goal’. The opposition then had 2 players sent off for abusive language and then took the lead with a clearly offside goal. This made it tough for the unbeaten Gallos, however the skipper who has no name except ‘teacher’ because he teaches strangely, stepped up and smashed a first time shot on the turn. So we kept our unbeaten record in-tact and are still on to beat Arsenal’s 49 unbeaten run of 2004.

Meggo scaring the orphans!

We have also had some experiences away from the pitch which we must mention. Firstly the introduction via Zambo to Vumba Lodge, a restaurant with an extensive menu of chicken, beef and fish and an owner who looks the spitting image of Gary Glitter. Strangely though he speaks with a Portuguese accent and plays 80’s music on loop with such joy on his face. The night was made even more special when the governor of Manica came in for a public event, escorted by police and FBI (nah not really FBI, it just sounds better). It’s also worth saying that for a terrific meal the cost came to just 250 metacais for the 3 of us, which is just 5 English pounds. This is the way England should operate their economy, earn less and spend less- job done.

Thumbs up for great coaches

Furthermore we watched the champions league final in the club house with Chandalia (security, barman and English teacher) charging an entrance fee of 10 metacais (20p). It was absolutely rammed on the wooden benches with 10 minutes to go before kick off when suddenly ‘BOOM’ a power cut! People were in up-roar and strangely Chandalia went missing for the 30 minutes the power was off only to return when the game was back on. So we missed the first part of the game but it was 0-0 which was not too much of an issue. It also appears that most Mozambicans (yes Zambo you) are Barcelona’s biggest fans, we though, were just happy Man United got battered ha ha ha!

Skills corridor

Another highlight was Mr Mann (Nelson) taking us to his humble abode, treating us to bread and honey, mango water and a bumpy ride in the love bug to the orphanage and back. The most worrying thing was when he said “let me show you my bedroom” and opened a door to reveal about 30,000 chickens just rammed into this small room. When we say 30,000, it was probably only 3 but we ran away so quickly we couldn’t be sure. Later that night Pingi also caused quite some controversy when he stuck his middle finger up at a mad Libyan driving at 100 mph towards us crossing the road. Pingi strutted across with such pride before suddenly the Libyan did an emergency stop in his 4x4 and started abusing us in a bombardment of Portuguese. He finally threatened to get the police on us and sped off up the road. We found out the next day that he actually did bring the police to the club but our trusty security guard (Chandalia and not the other one who’s always drunk or asleep) sent them packing by telling them we didn’t live there and went up the road in the opposite direction.

Hi Guys!

We also had a random incident with a small monkey which a man was selling for 800 Metacais (16 pounds sterling) and Will very nearly bought. Strange we know but felt this was worth telling you about!

Monkey eating a banana

Finally we must finish with our experience of another night of African clubbing. It started well when Joanna’s (a fellow mzungo or branco as they call us out here-white person) dad picked us and Pingi up to hit the town. However we were in shock when out first port of call was a stranger’s house party who actually turned out to be a prostitute celebrating her 25^th birthday! All her friends were also from the Manica Red Light District but were extremely friendly, offering us buffet, alcohol and some fantastic music (only after Meggo asked a random little kid to go and get some speakers). We are now famous faces in the Red Light District of Manica- but not in that way!! It was probably the most random experience of our lives but we had a great time and will definitely be going to their next hook up (if you pardon the pun). We then ended the night with a rave up at the Nan and granddad disco until about 5am with Joanna’s friend in the club buying us drink after drink, getting Pingi absolutely wasted! Good times!

OK that’s it for this edition (hello are you still there????) Overall we’ve had a hectic 2 weeks and feel that many more await us. There’s so much more we haven’t mentioned but they would probably bore you to tears anyway. For now obrigado (thanks) for reading, take care and ate logo (see you later folks). We know the Portuguese is still quite poor here, but we’ll keep working on it!!!!

Ate logo (See you later)

The start of the great Mozambique adventure.................

After an epic 11 hour flight from Heathrow to Johannesburg and a further hour to Beira, we had finally made it to Africa, Mozambique to be precise. We were quite dazed but had further turmoil getting through stringent visa operations and then had the challenge of finding a guy Drew and Rafa had prepped us about called 'Short'. Luckily this was simple as he was the only one wearing an Arsenal shirt! He led us out front of the airport/small wooden building to what we can only describe as a moody postman pat type vehicle. It looked as though it only had 3 wheels and 2 gears but Short powered the beast up and drove us 5 hours to Manica in rather cramped circumstances (English health and safety just wouldn't allow). However the journey should have taken 3 hours according to our sources but he literally dodged every pot hole in Mozambique. On the way we got a phone call from Drew to give us some info about what was in store for us. As Will (Willy out here apparently) was talking, a fishing rod with a dead bird came through the window and almost took his eye out. Short informed us this was actually a live guinea fowl and he then bought two of them for his dinner later that night. The journey was quite an experience to say the least with literally people walking everywhere with stuff (ranging from wooden sticks to barrels of water) on their heads and guinea fowl in hand.



The love bug



We arrived at the club (Grupo Desportivo de Manica/ GDM) where we would be staying with the first team players and the manager old Miguel Mourinho (more about this charismatic figure later). We expected basic living conditions and it was great to see that our room lived up to such high expectations. Although we didn't expect to be sharing with Gavin and Gordon the geckos. It was also splendid to see that Drew and Rafa had left their sweaty bed sheets for us to jump straight into that night, as well as an assortment of books for us to read including Alan Carr Chatty Man, oh no wait that was Meggo's! Although, jokes aside as Schalk would say, they did leave Jonathan Ross' autobiography, some Vaseline and skin soothing lotion (we'll leave that to your imaginations). Anyhow we went to make new friends at the club's bar, including Sharan the feisty bar maid and a chap who nicknamed himself Mario Ballotelli, creating his own catchphrase "1 chance, 1 goal!" Later we will tell you how this is very un-true. We watched a bit of Real Madrid vs Barcelona on what appeared to be Manica's only TV with an illegal satellite linked up to Iraqi cable, and then decided to hit the hay after a 24 hour journey across the world.

Will modelling the apartment

The next day it was time to get down to some hard work and what we'd come to Mozambique to achieve. We had an easy start with a nice lay in before meeting a very smiley man named David 'Hardlife' Sandae who showed us the FC Manica home pitch and spoke to us about our roles for the club. We then got our first taste of Mozambican football as we watched the girls team and U16's train in unbearable heat (apparently cold to them as they were wearing wooly hats!) Later that evening we were introduced to the staple diet of rice and beans and joined a thrivellous game of Uno whereby a player named Lloyd got quite agitated when we pretended we knew how to play and actually made up the rules as we went along- typical English! We were also very taken back by the bombardment of Portuguese mixed with some Shona spoken which we still sit and nod at today. We also felt quite intimidated when exploring the surrounding area with cars aiming to hit us, small children begging for money and the extraordinary market which operated under candle light and seemed to twist and turn for miles. However the hard work was to start the next day.



Pingi and Hardlife (David really!)


Our body's seemed paralysed when a guy called Pingi (Pingu for comedic effect) knocked on our doors at 6 am telling us that he and Hardlife were in charge of youth football operations and that we would be training the U17's side every morning bright and early. The next shock was that there were 34 kids at the session with 5 footballs, half a dozen cones and not a single bib. We watched Hardlife in action and realised we needed to pump up the 15 Sondico balls we brought with us for the next day. It is also very cold in the mornings and evenings here but as soon as the sun rises the heat hits straight away, therefore making the tracksuit seem very unnecessary. After the session we were put straight into match action as the first team play the reserves every Thursday in training. When we say play, it's a full out 90 minute match with no subs and in immense heat (so more of a struggle really). We also learnt that the dirt pitch was, to be polite, very bobbly and a fair bit uneven, therefore resulting in the ball being out of our control at all times. It also felt like we were playing a team of Michael Essiens mixed with a lone striker of Didier Drogba. However we felt we held our own and made it to the end having lost 5 stone in sweat. Afterwards the physio/team priest Sherife got us in a huddle, said a little prayer and chanted "Todas por um, um por todas", which translates to "all for one and one for all". It highlights how close the players are and their family like bond.



Us in coaching action (Notice the man in the wooly hat behind)

 Anyway to the more serious work, coaching the children of Mozambique! We've had a fair few weekly sessions already. The first to mention is at Costa Do Sol Bairro Vumba (Vumba being the huge mountains overlooking Manica), which was an experience to say the least. We walked off the main road and up a series of thin dirt tracks. We passed many small huts made of wooden sticks with people and animals all over the place welcoming us and being very friendly. It is hard to get the scale of poverty across in words but we walked further through streams of dirty water, across a railway track which was totally unmarked and then through some high vegetation to a small clearing. It had two bamboo goals at either end and was on a steep slanting hill. The pitch was like dusty sand which had huge cracks in it due to the hot weather but to the kids here it was like Emirates turf. The kids were so excited to see us that they grabbed the bag of footballs, fighting one another just to touch a ball. When a small chap kicked his up into a tree we as English folk gave up on it, however he scampered up the tree with great craft and returned with it in 20 seconds. The session went well with us introducing them to Van Persie fist pump celebrations, Eboue dancing, Drogba dives and Almunia flaps in the air. We then ran through some fun drills which were as silly as possible and had a match on their patch. They sent us off with a traditional sing song and clapping dance to say thank you and warning us not to forget to go back!! Morale, Morale, Morale.......................

Will and the kids of Costa Do Sol

On Wednesdays and Fridays we visit the local orphanage called Anda via small mini-bus/van taxi which would not pass any health and safety laws back home. There are literally 9 seats occupied by at least 15 people and a man who lets you off whilst the vehicle is still moving. This is a further challenge when carrying footballs and cones at the same time. The orphanage is a very moving experience because the children are very young and have so little opportunity in life. Therefore when we go in to provide a fun time for them they are so happy and this makes us feel like we are making a real, REAL difference to their lives. We must also mention that to get to other sessions we frequently hitch hiked in all kinds of motor vehicle. Highlights including a lady from Zimbabwe called Linda who drove a nice BMW and two drunken geezers who let us jump on the back of their open truck! We then have further sessions with girls and kids ranging in age from 11 to 18 at the clubs home pitch (Campo Municipal), an old Bull-ring stadium (they swear it was a functioning stadium once upon a time) and a local school- Escola Do Congresso. The Bull-ring (a.k.a- Giant Killer Bairro Vumba) is also where the clothes market is situated selling used football shirts from the early 90's and where the women all take a liking to Will as he walks past! This is also near the location of what Drew and Rafa nicknamed moody Nando's, the location of our weekly meeting with Pingi and Hardlife on the weeks aims.

Happy children!

We have also been watching the players from GDM coaching kids sessions and making notes to address in the next few weeks. We will be starting up staff training for the players, like what we had from Arsenal in the months before coming away. We are also going to start English and IT lessons for the players in order to help their progression in life.

In terms of the club itself, the GDM first team are a very high level, seeking promotion to the Mozambique Premier League. Their first game was a 40 minute drive from Manica to Chimoioi with the head of transport (Short) at the helm of the mini-bus. Again health and safety would have a fit as players took their own plastic seats on the bus to sit on in the aisle and others standing at the front! A very strange experience! We must also mention our buddies Joana and Zambo who are the fluent English speakers and who have been very kind to us since we arrived. Even though Zambo gives quite abusive English banter towards us (calling Will fat and Meggo skinny, but that's in polite terms) and Jo almost getting us into a fight at the matches. This due to us being the minority fans at the away stadium and Jo singing GDM over and over again! 
The first match was a solemn affair with TextAfrica in the league in which there was one chance and they scored to win. The second game however was in the Mozambique cup against the same opposition this time resulting in a famous 1-0 win, due to a goal from Lloyd (The Money Mayweather) setting up a local derby cup final against Vumba, which will be as tasty an Arsenal v Spurs game. So far mixed results and a disappointing lack of goals which Miguel (Mourinho) is starting to address in his demanding training sessions. He also has a habit of talking about every detail that occurred during the weekend's match which usually takes up half the session.

Us in U17's action

We were also asked to play for the second team called Gallos (obviously if the transfer window was open we would be solid first team material). Again not alot to report on the score line as this was a hard earned 0-0 at home to moody Spurs (Vumba). Meggo had a solid display in the Vermaelen role (centre back if you don’t know who that is). There were three main incidents in our debut. The first being a clear cut opportunity to take the lead mid- way through the first half, as Will who was partnering Balotelli (we mentioned him earlier) up front, slid a pass in towards him, which from three yards out he then spooned over the bar. He has since been given the nickname 'one chance one miss'. The second talking point came in the second half when Will got a straight red card for argueing with the referee (done a Joe Cole on his debut), and finally Meggo kicking the ball out of the arena to waste time as that was the only ball we had. There was still 20 minutes to go though!!

Meggo and his crew

Finally for this part (if you're still awake?) we have to mention an unforgettable experience on the Mozambique clubbing scene. Ballotelli, Pingi and Sharan gave us a guided tour of the hottest night spots for disco in Manica starting at 8pm and finishing at 4.30 am. The music was only a decade behind which we were quite impressed with, whilst the clubs/discos themselves were like our grandparents living rooms with a small wooden area to dance in the middle. The drinks were cheap, although because we are here to work we stuck to the one beer (wink, wink!) As for the dancing, it was like celebrating a million goals with Asamoah Gyan over and over again, incredible moves from Balotelli in-particular!

African clubbing night with Pingi and Sharan

So that’s our 2 weeks so far, we've probably missed some great stuff out but if we remember we'll stick it in next weeks edition. We'll try and keep it weekly so you're not too bored by such waffle ha ha!!!!

Waka Waka, it's time for Africa!!!!